I used to be hilarious

I researched actual Soviet Propaganda for weeks in preparation for this article I wrote for the campus newspaper on April Fools day. If you didn't go to Case Western Reserve University, here's all the background you need. In my senior year, a guy named Hundert replaced a guy named Austen as President of CWRU. Upon arrival, Hundert immediately declared that Case Western Reserve University will someday become "the most powerful learning environment in the world." Right. Sure it will. As if that's not the easiest thing to make fun of, ever.

At an address delivered yesterday to a throng of cheering undergraduate and graduate students from his royal Adelbert balcony, Great Spartan Edvard Edvardovitch Hundertov delivered his boldest promise to date regarding the future of our great Spartanland, “I have foreseen happiness at CWRU.”

Touching upon such previous internal victories as the incorporation of food service workers into the university community, the cleansing of Kelvin Spartan Library, and the Uncommon Upheaval that deposed the evil imperialist Austensky, Hundertov then leapt fearlessly forward to unveil more of the Splendid Spartan Plan of People’s Advancement. Our dear Great Spartan made it very clear to all in attendance that absolutely nothing, not even the capitalist schemes floated by Leter B. Pewis would stop him from steering the Great Spartan Learning Machine into its prophesied position as the most powerful learning environment in the world.

Students had been gathering for days in anticipation of the speech. Their love of Hundertov is scarcely matched by his love for each and every one of them. Punctually on the dot of the biweekly Provost’s Hour of Resplendency, the Great Spartan stepped forth into the Cleveland sunlight and raised his hands. The roar of the crowd was immediate and deafening.

“Comrades,” Hundertov cried, once the famous and inevitable CWRU cheering frenzy had run its course, “Comrades, you have accepted me into your learning environment, and your hearts, with startling speed and loyalty. Given your recent betrayal by three-times contemptible Austensky, your confidence is heartening. You have seen how I have repaid this courtesy; with action. Together, we have made this learning environment grow and flourish in every way.

“Today, the ascendancy of our power is nigh. Work with me, comrades, and together we shall fulfill the ancient promise of Spartan Domination. And nothing is more crucial to our shared power than student happiness.”

Austensky has been in exile in a remote island of Lake Erie since the Uncommon Upheaval two years past, in which all of campus rose up as one, Trustee and Food Service Worker hand-in- hand, to peaceably and bloodlessly depose the imperialist regime before it continued down the path of destruction. When Austensky initiated plans to construct a windmill on the quad, Spartans young and old knew they had to take action lest the menace impede Spartan progress too drastically. The swift recovery of CWRU’s learning environment is a credit to the keen communion with the campus community common to both Great Spartan Hundertov and his henchman, Small Spartan Wagner. With the imminent promised achievement of true student happiness is reached, Hundertov’s ascent to immortality will be complete.

Hundertov outlined the process by which happiness shall be achieved, and what students can do to enjoy it together. “Neglect not your daily draught of vodka, dispensed at dining halls,” he cautioned, “and happily chew your ration of Spartan Soma.” A new addition to the campus community, Spartan Soma is given to students before every class to help them think more clearly. “And soon, we will be offering our own food course at the dining halls called Soylent Red. I have personally sampled this fine course, and I hereby proclaim that Soylent Red is the people’s meal.”

However, Hundertov’s gleeful gathering was not entirely glorious games. At one point during the speech, his brow darkened, and it was as though a cloud had passed across the bright Cleveland sun. “All is not well, unfortunately. The revolution was not complete. Even now, counter-revolutionaries stalk among us, bent on disrupting the Splendid Spartan Plan of People’s Advancement. These deviants do not approve of our initiatives, such as the offering of full-tuition scholarships to long-time Food Service Workers, because they do not feel that all members of the campus community are equal. They must be ferreted out. This is why the true Spartan accepts the camera and microphone surveillance into their dorm rooms with open hearts and arms. Eternal vigilance, comrades, this is the only method to becoming the most powerful learning environment in the world, while ensuring the happiness of every student that has come here to study.”

To remind the campus of its positive direction, Hundertov ended on a positive note. “My dearest comrades, we mustn’t falter or fail. The eyes of the world are upon us, and it is up to us to seize our place of power and contentment at the top of the world’s educational environments. Believe, comrades, in the Spartanland. She will not let you down.

“One day, Case Western Reserve University will be held in higher regard than even the Ivy League universities, like Yale University. So that even the lowliest of English majors can understand, I have reduced the principles of Spartandom into a simple maxim that even they can understand.” Once Hundertov told the maxim to the joyous masses, they spent the greater part of the afternoon chanting, as though they would never grow tired of it, “four names good, two names bad.”